Requisite Thank U India post

What is it about being in a foreign country that helps you clear your head, prepare yourself for plans that lie ahead, just plain calms you down?

Before I left for the trip I was wreck. I left my job of ten years, I had an emotionally wrought romantic breakup, I was burnt out from music promotion and live shows, I was fed up with other personal issues. I wasn't enjoying anything anymore. I was through with New York.

I still am and plan on leaving this city for good in a week, but I'm no longer anxious about it. Being abroad, I knew, would help me prepare for a big life change. I was able to take myself out of an environment in which I felt controlled in pretty much every aspect. Traveling solo was a means to be in full control again. Sure, India has its limitations such as delayed trains and the occasional bad chow mein and no toilets on buses, but if you go with certain expectations and are ready to take care of yourself over there, you will feel like you have all of the power in the world. And you bring that feeling back with you. Because after you experience that, you feel like you can handle anything. 

I miss a lot of things about India, but what I might miss the most is having an instant connection with people because you are both in this crazy place due to your endless curiosity, your tendency to get bored easily, your need for your true insides to be let out of its dark crevasses, your need to feel very present. You are both there because deep down you know there is something to learn about yourself when you are placed in the midst of beauty and chaos. You both know every single person you meet on your journey no matter how old, where they are from, and how much English they speak, will give you something to chew on. And there is a good chance they will touch your heart with their kindness and their offer to have a chai or just listen and smile or maybe joke around for some much needed comic relief. 

I experienced a lot of honesty on this trip. I noticed it right away when I landed in JFK and headed straight to the nearest decent coffee shop (good coffee is hard to come by in India). I overheard a lot of exaggerated compliments and false plans and people filling up their day with meetings and appointments and ten minute catchups and I immediately missed my boring lazy life in India. I missed just hanging out and bullshitting and having absolutely no reason to exaggerate or pretend or hide any feelings you had that day. 

As much as I love the USA, I feel that here there is this overwhelming need to make it look like everything is a-ok. No one wants to handle raw emotion. There are many downsides to this but the one major and obvious one is that suppressed emotions end up blowing up in our faces. You see it on the bus when fights break out or in loads of passive aggressive behavior that lead to untrustworthy relationships. My wish is that people were truer to themselves. That they can admit when they are truly happy or sad or anxious or whatever without fear of judgement. Because I do believe that that is the healthiest way to live. 

Almost Goodbye

My last day in Udaipur was spent in a little village I'm pretty sure had yet to see a tourist pass through. I am still so fascinated by the colors and smiles of rural, village India.

Things I haven't eaten in a long time that I would kill a cow for right now

I was doing more than ok with the food situation in India for a while, loving the new flavors, soupy curries, light dosas, fresh nan and complex Masalas. I couldn't get enough. While other travelers stuck to their Muesli and pasta, I was on a never ending hunt for the best pumpkin curry and biryani.

Then the inevitable happened. I got sick. And nothing makes you miss homey comfort foods like being sick half way around the world and just wanting mommy's chicken soup.

Here's a list of foods I would kill for right now:
My mom's perfect Jewish penicillin with loads of parsley.
Beef broth
Burger from jg melon on 74th and 3rd
Sushi, fucking top notch close your eyes its so good sushi. From Riki on 45th st.
Baked fish. Any fish, as long as it's fresh. With olive oil and lemon.
Really fresh salad with cheese, lemon juice and olive oil
Hummus from hummus place with above salad.

Amritsar

I arrived in Amritsar on a crowded dusty government bus which left Dharamsala 7 hours prior at some ungodly predawn hour. This meant setting my alarm for 4am and walking in complete darkness to the main square hoping I would find a taxi to the bus station. Luckily I did and sat in the nearly deserted waiting area next to tall, skinny light haired guy who instantly reminded me of my best friend and bandmate back at home. As we exchanged the usual banter, where we are from, how long we are in India for, I decided he would be my new best friend as his gentle mannerisms, laid back nature and general go with the flow vibe were immediately evident.

Benji from Austria and I rodé the hellish busride together which included a rest stop in a dusty garage infested field where the men got off to simultaneously surround the bus and take a piss and a nicely timed save by a mother who opened the window in front of us so her kid could puke out of it. I immediately decided I would never again take a government bus in India. Benji didnt seem to care about any of this. 'It's not bad,' he would say in that monotone German chilled out accent.

Amritsar is a disgusting, dirty, crowded city but houses the Golden Sikh temple which in my opinion blows the Taj Majal out of the water. In the evening time it is especially magical and not to sound like a Lonely Planet guide but no visit is complete without experiencing the communal meal eaten on the floor and served efficiently by temple volunteers to over 80,000 people daily. The chappati and dal was one the tastiest I've had in India and really showed just how generous and anti-caste the Sikhs are.

You could stay for free in the temple in the foreigners room. Benji didn't mind sharing a bathroom with ten other people and sleeping on an uncleaned bed next to a complete stranger. 'It's not a four star star hotel' he would say. I booked myself into a two star down the block which included a flat screen TV and the rare complimentary role of toilet paper.

A Different Kind of Trip

I've done my share of traveling but many things feel profoundly different on this trip. I rarely feel lonely even though I am often by myself. Part of this is the ease at which one can talk to people here, both tourists and locals. Travelers don't come to India to party or veg like they do in Thailand or Jamaica. Most come looking to be stimulated visually, to expose themselves to a unique culture, to look inward, to meet likeminded people who don't mind trading an easy beach vacation for something a bit richer, albeit more difficult.

Even in big cities things shut down by 10pm. Tea is the drug of choice with the occasional Kingfisher or blunt if you are up north. Even chicken feels like an indulgence as it is beyond easy to be a vegetarian here (this coming from an unapologetic carnivore).

Entertainment in India is everywhere. Once you sort of get past the mountains of garbage in the streets, pollution, crowds and poverty, you are left with a beautiful feast for the senses. Womens' saris in every color of the rainbow packed into a ladies only subway car. Random cows following you home at night as if they want to make sure you made it ok. Random conversations with an elderly wise and silly Sikh man that exemplify the generosity of the religion. You really have absolutely no idea who you will meet next and what kind of impact they will have on you.

Indians subscribe to the notion of living in shanti, or, peace. I can't seem to shut off my Western frantic NY ways but I will say that being here has helped me inch a bit closer to this style of living, taking the time to just stop and turn off the worry, eliminate the clutter in my head, understand my priorities.

On a personal note, moving forward with a relocation feels exhilarating on this trip. I love this feeling of being in between two lives. Knowing I'm not going back that place of severe burnout has done wonders in enjoying my present surroundings. It just goes to show that it's not where you are physically that dictates your state of mind. It's the decisions you make in order to ensure your progress, how much you listen to yourself, care for yourself, make sure you are living your life for you and not for anyone else that allows yourself to fully enjoy every aspect of your daily routine. It is cliché but so true- do what you love and the love will find you.

Rishikesh

It's hard to not get really comfortable in Rishikesh. Yes, you are in India, there's dirt, thali stalls, markets, little stores with flies buzzing about where you buy chocolate and toilet paper. But it's also quite western and touristy and yoga obsessed. My first yoga class in India was filled with all Westerners in a brightly lit zenlike room and an instructor telling us which poses are good for weight loss. I thought for a second I was back in my Greenpoint hatha yoga class surrounded by stressed out Brooklynites looking for a much needed break from their long work day.

I've met many Indians who told me they never did yoga in their lives. In Rishikesh, the yoga capital of the world nonetheless, and they would laugh hysterically when I would try to teach them half lotus or bridge pose. The best yoga experience I had in Rishikesh was on the rooftop of my guesthouse playing yoga instructor for my new Indian friends. Crazy ass role reversal.

It's hard to leave Rishikesh. After a few days here, you find yourself settling into a pretty solid schedule.  I was here during the 5th annual yoga festival (in the yoga capital of the world! mind blowing!) so my schedule would vary slightly depending on what lectures were happening that day. Dinner plans, breakfast plans, plans to meet for 2pm hatha but maybe I'll be late because there is that 1pm Aryuvedic lecture. Afternoon chais would turn into dinner when you bumped into someone at the cafe. It's unbelievably nice to be surrounded by other people with an open schedule. Back in NY everyone always has someplace to be. Here, yoga and naps dictate the schedule. Not a bad way to start off the trip.  

I Wish it were Oh So Quiet

I like to think I can deal with a lot of inconveniences with minimal complaints once I leave the Western world. Sure, I would prefer a temperate climate, a mattress, a hot shower, potable tap water, a non-bumpy busride and clean air. But given that these things are pretty hard to come by in the far east, I deal with it. I don't mind that my room could badly use a fresh coat of paint or that I have exactly 3 minutes of lukewarm water in the shower before it starts to freeze up again. 

However there is one thing I do not see myself eventually tolerating: the noise pollution. A big reason I left NY was to rid myself of all of the noise. Unpleasant sounds are just unbearable to me. Maybe it's because I've played music for such a long time, (or maybe that's why I play music? chicken/egg scenario?) but my entire body begins to tense up and my heart begins to pound when I'm  subjected to car horns, construction sites and annoying music (forget about it if it is all at once). Even loud talkers are too much for me to handle. I've been known to tell certain people to lower their voices as their volume was really stressing me out. A particular friend of mine talks loudly since his lifelong best friend is deaf so he's really the only person I give a pass to.

India was the wrong place to end up for some peace and quiet. I love so many things about this place, but the noise pollution is really the driving factor that has me heading up north to the Himalayas, the peaceful hills up where the Ganges begins. The cars, motorbikes, rickshaws, cyclists, tuk tuks all compete for how many much noise they can make on the road. Sometimes there are only grumpy cows and a goat or two in their way. Do they expect those guys to move? I really don't know. Sometimes there are pedestrians who just ignore them and go about their business walking along what could be a sidewalk, a urinal deposit or the actual street (hard to really distinguish). Sometimes there really is a traffic jam so insane that you wonder how people don't just abandon their vehicle and crawl to the nearest corner and rock themselves into a state of sanity. Part of me thinks the reason people are so religious here is because Hindu temples, Buddhist monasteries and Muslim mosques are the only respite from the insanity. I'm pretty sure I would sign up for any religion that preaches momentary silence if I were here long enough. 

I have booked myself into an ashram up on a little hill overlooking the Ganges in Rishikesh. There's a chance this won't even be quiet enough for the time being. If it isn't, I'll be sure to send postcards from that ashram up in the mountain complete with a shaved head and an orange robe.

Namaste

Upon Landing

The first thing you notice when you land in Delhi is not the mayhem nor the poverty, grim nor grit that I was heavily warned about. It is the stench. This sulphur-ey, musky, hard to identify strong smell that hits you over the head the minute you step outside the plane.

I was surprisingly calm when I landed at 3am. I had a stop over in Abu Dhabi from NYC and the flight was one of the more pleasant ones I have been on. Maybe it was the week of sleep deprivation prior to the trip combined with the emotionally taxing and endless goodbyes to many I will probably never see again, but the exhaustion finally set in and I was out for pretty much most of the two legs.

I had been expecting that scene in every Indian movie where the westerner is amidst complete chaos upon landing smack in the middle of an explosion of sights, sounds and smells. Maybe it was because I landed in the middle of the night, but it was really nothing like that. I managed to get a prepaid cab like I was instructed to do by my savvy traveler friends, and even with minimal traffic the carride managed to scare the living hell out of me. We squeezed in between trucks and nearly hit into rickshaws and at one point crashed into the road barrier pretty hard. I shrieked, asking the driver if the car was ok and worried he would leave me out on the highway in the outskirts of Delhi. He did not seem phased in the slightest and we kept right on going.

I waited a few hours at the hotel for my room to be ready (and actually am still doing that now) and tried to kill some time reading on my kindle with my new Brookstone portable flashlight that my parents gave me which has been the most valuable little device I have ever taken on a trip. I wandered around the hotel a bit. There were hotel workers (I assumed they were at least) passed out on the floor of the lounge, the lobby and I almost tripped over yet another body when I went up to the roof. People here seem pretty lax about their sleeping accomodations.

On the roof I was able to see the cityscape for the first time, the haziness from the pollution, the shabby buildings, the mosques and temples poking out in the distance. It was eerily quiet except for the early morning prayers coming from all directions and a chilly breeze that made me shiver. It really does feel like another world.  

Boozy Goodbyes

My closest friends from the past ten years came together and threw me a surprise dinner party this evening, thanks to 2 of my nearest and dearest friends who planned everything. Fuck, I cried about four times. I can complain until the cows come home about how much NY sucks, but one thing that will be next to impossible to replace are the special people here. You may not see them very often, barely even once a year (if that), but they are with you and in a big cold city, these are the people who carry you through. I love you guys.

On a sidenote, I've given up sobriety until I leave for India. Saying goodbye to people apparently turns you into a raging alcoholic and I've officially stopped fighting the big fight. I'll detox in the Himalayas or something.

Upstate one last time

Foliage time here in the Northeast. I'll miss this for sure.

On Traveling Solo

Anyone who has traveled solo knows the pros and cons of being alone in a foreign country. The pros being you have complete freedom, you don't have to compromise on anything, you don't have to worry about putting your bad mood on anyone, you can really take the time to think about things, learn to be comfortable with yourself, learn to have fun with yourself. It's also much easier to meet interesting people when you are alone. I'm not the most extroverted person in the world by any means, but I do love meeting open minded and adventure seeking people, finding out their story, what they have learned, what they want to find. Traveling alone can be a very rich learning and confidence-gaining experience on many levels.

The cons being you often feel lonely, frightened, and vulnerable especially in the east where as a westerner there is no way of blending in. As a female lone traveler, constantly being aware of your safety can be a constant source of stress. Also, being an American can be really annoying because you have to deal with a lot of anti-american stereotypes and on top of that I'm not one of those apologetic travelers who likes to pretend they are Canadian. It never ceases to amaze me how often someone will bash America right to my face as if it's pretty much hell on earth. And it's not the locals who do this. Usually it's other western travelers who swear by the BBC and are convinced Americans want to kill old people off prematurely with our horrible healthcare or something. They will accuse Americans of being the most racist people on earth, the irony being they are often traveling in a country that sells whitening creams in every corner drug store. I'm not looking forward to spending election day away from home as I imagine it will only be that much worse. I wish I could be with my good friends on that day and watch swing state results come in. But it looks like I'll be in Rishikesh which is the new-age yoga capital of the world and the chances of finding someone who doesn't hate America are probably slim to none. Oh well.

However with all of the cons, the hope of course is that the pros outweigh them -- that I find clarity in the midst of chaos, knowledge and inspiration in the midst of unfamiliarity, and friendship and connection in the midst of being alone.

I See Updates

I got enough vaccines yesterday to immunize a small African country. My biceps hurt like a SOB to the point at which I can barely even dress myself. More doctors appointments today. A lot of prodding and poking and needles in my life right now.

I also saw a Kabbalah-ist fortune teller (prophet? astrologer? Not sure what the label is) last night who someone recommended for me out in Queens. I went with a 'what the hey' attitude as I'm not one to put faith in this stuff but I do have the belief that some people have a special ability to see things. If she wasn't one of those people, well, I got a good falafel in Queens out of the process. I didn't really know what to make of her. She guessed correctly which day of the week I was born, knew I was a fall baby, and knew that I had an African carving in my living room (which she told me to throw away immediately as it was giving me bad luck). She guessed correctly the names of people who were in my life and very dear to me. She also guessed initials of cities I was thinking of moving to. In the end I got a positive fortune, a few blessings and a filling meal so overall I guess it was worth it.

Pre Trip Anxiety

My family is officially freaking out that I'll be traveling alone in India. I can't really handle the stress so I'm trying to cut off contact as much as possible before my trip which is something I did not want to do. I might even lie to them and tell them I got a travel partner at the last minute just to make my life less of a living hell. I know, I know. They are just worried. I should be happy my family gives a shit. This is inevitably what happens when you are unmarried, live in close proximity to your family, and are the youngest child. Looks like I'll be doing a lot of drinking in the next few days. May as well eat a lot of red meat as well since I'll be animal protein deprived for a while.

The Yoga Post

I've been doing yoga for about five years now. My very first yoga class was a Bikram class and looking back on that I'm not sure what I was thinking. Bikram is a California-esque version of hatha yoga (which is a lot of holding poses for what seems like forever), is in a really hot room, and is pretty much the opposite of what I now look for in my current practice. I get bored pretty easily so I like constant movement and flow in my yoga practice as well as a non-torture-chamber-like room temperature. 

I heard about Ashtanga from a few people and was intrigued. They had all warned it was a much more rigorous form of yoga. I'm not one to shy away from a physical challenge so I signed up for led=Ashtanga class downtown. I got there 20 minutes early and lay my mat down in the middle of the class, off to the side, my 'safe' place where I can follow the person in front of me and get lost in the crowd. But as the class started I realized there was different set up than what I'm used to. Everyone faced the middle of the class, the instructor didn't ask if there were any beginners, everyone looked serious, intense, not ready to tolerate a newbie. I was nervous. Should I tell the instructor I had never done ashtanga? I don't speak a lick of Sanskrit? I'm not sure I'm physically able to do this? I'm really really scared, help me????

I faked my way through the class. As people were doing what seemed like advanced acrobatics, I kept a steady pace a few breaths behind everyone, tried to breathe and tried to maintain my sense of humor. And to the instructor's credit, she did too. She helped me with many adjustments and maneuvering and created a calm and supportive atmosphere. I could barely make it through the class but by the end I knew I was hooked. I wanted to learn the sequence and what 'shabta' meant and I wanted to be absorbed into that meditative state without worry of what comes next. 

I went home and did a youtube search and found a great retro video of Sri K. Pattabhi Jois (the revered ashtanga guru ) leading the primary series. There's a bunch of western students in the video who all have insane bodies and 80's style lycra outfits. Jois instructs in Sanskrit and it is tranquil and meditative while being intense at the same time. It's everything I hoped for in a yoga class right in my own living room! I'm hoping to really focus on Ashtanga once I get to India.

Moving On

I found out last week from facebook that someone I knew from childhood died. She was 33 years old and apparently had some sort of critical illness she was battling. From the little I knew of her, she was a real angel (and I do not use that word lightly nor often). Just one of those kind-hearted people you rarely come across, completely unselfish, maybe even to a fault.

Her older sister was a close friend of mine growing up and to this day is one of the strongest people I know. She is that friend I'll always look back on who first encouraged me to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night, to get drunk on school grounds, to flirt with that cute guy without fear of rejection.

She is maintaining her strength and resoluteness now and being the leader she is, encouraging everyone to not just live your life like you are dust in the wind, to get to know people, make impressions in your circles, to not waste your precious time hating on anyone. A good reminder for everyone who sometimes feels like they are in a metaphorical waiting room.

Waiting in Waiting Rooms

One good thing about knowing that your health insurance will end is that you take care of all that shit you've been putting off. In the past two weeks I've easily been to more doctor's appointments than perhaps the past two years. I got a full check up (who does that anymore?), did my annual pap smear, got a dental cleaning, a few wisdom teeth removed (and survived!), went to the allergist and finally, the Podiatrist. This was my first ever visit to a podiatrist. At some point in the waiting room I was convinced the doctor would laugh at me because my problem was so minor (corns, or maybe a bunion, or just a callous? Who knew).  It turns out I have a hammer toe corn and he shaved off so much skin that I now feel like I have a smaller shoe size.

Wow, this blog is getting boring.

3 weeks and 2 days till I fly out.

What to do??

My dilemma as to how long to stay in India was just resolved. After what seemed like hours of tortuous elevator music the American Airlines reservation woman told me I can change my return ticket even after I depart. I can't make a decision to save my life so any assistance in procrastination by an airline is a plus in my book.

I'll be flying Etihad Airlines the entire trip with a stopover in Abu Dhabi. I've heard good things about Etihad. Not sure about the booze situation on the flight yet.

Dragging

These next few weeks at home are most certainly going to drag. My work days are mainly spent researching my trip. I've decided to head up north even though it will be chilly up near the mountains. It seems romantic in a way, the snow capped himalayas drinking hot chai. I feel guilty for not doing any job research but I keep telling myself I deserve a break.

Winners Do Quit Especially on Mondays

I quit my job last week, the job I've held for ten plus years, the only constant in my life, really the only refuge I had in this city. Some days I was bored with my job. Some days I really loved it. I am grateful and truly blessed that I never ever hated my job. I worked in the financial industry (and technically still am doing that until the end of the month) and was surrounded by smart, interesting, caring people that became my family in a lot of ways.

Whenever I meet someone, I pretty much know very early on if I'll be their friend for life or if they will vanish into internet oblivion, maybe seeing a FB status update once in a while. Many of my coworkers became those childhood friends you have that you see after a decade and instantly click with. I was that lucky. Maybe it's because we all didn't plan to be where we are and just sort of ended up there. We all for the most part have similar values, as I presume is the case in other industries. We all had our other lives. One was a ballerina, another a guitarist, photographer, farmer, baker, minor league baseball player, professional skier,...... And yeah of course I was bored more than I wanted to be, I needed more stimulation, I was surrounded by grey felt walls and an open cubicle. Why am I looking back on these ten years, reminiscing with rosy colored glasses when deep down I knew I needed to leave? 

Someone once told me, 'Be careful at what you are good at, because you may do it for the rest of your life'. And it's true, once I gave notice of my leave I realized how out of the blue this was for everyone. How I could have stayed there for another decade doing what I do best, negotiating, calculating, analyzing, learning a bit about every aspect of the field. 

So I decided to leave in order to shake things up. I decided to go to India, a place that has been on my mind for years. But mostly I decided to leave NY. I regret not making this decision sooner but such is the curse of being blessed with a stable job. You get sucked in not even knowing if you want to be in this city. You just keep going living each day trying to change small things, hoping for one big change. But in the end I knew I had to really bite the bullet. 

I was emailing with a friend who got laid off the other day and he described the situation perfectly. He said, no matter what happened in that week, he always knew he could go to work on Monday and everything would be ok.  So in a few weeks, I won't have that Monday I always had. But I'm hoping I'll have something a lot more valuable - no regrets.

The Plan Begins

T minus 4 weeks until I leave for India. I snuggle into bed every night with my Lonely Planet and dreams of chai tea and heavenly scenery. I'm so giddy I can barely sleep. For the first time in a long while I'm able to enjoy NY, knowing I won't be here for much longer. I'm eating at all of the restaurants I've been meaning to try out for the past ten years. Blue Ribbon sushi is next on the list. I shrug off every unpleasant subway moment. I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. This is what it's like to change your life course. It's a good feeling.